I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
