I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
