ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
