Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
