i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
