Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
