Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
