my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Randomize
