Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
