mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
