nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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