Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
She needs sedatives and a leash
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
