The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
