I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
