A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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