She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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