so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
