it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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