i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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