call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
He better not be in your backpack
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
