How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Randomize
