i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Randomize
