Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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