My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
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