I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
