Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
