i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
