last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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