Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
jump out the window naked night went bad
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
