Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
