So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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