Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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