I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
