I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
