He disabled his match.com account in front of me
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
