So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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