zippers are such a cool invention
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
