Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
