we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
