tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
We need to rekindle our bromance
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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