you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
