Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
