3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
