Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
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I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
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Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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