This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
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For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
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Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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