He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
