dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
