I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
