I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
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Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
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This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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