She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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