he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
