before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
