my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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