i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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